Yuvaani

It has been a while since Aarush and his family visited us. I had left with no strength to talk to my parents regarding this marriage thing, so I better go and change into my comforting PJs and a Tee. The best part of Sunday is this - comfort clothes, your room, and just relax !

Well, how to actually relax ! There is so much going in my life, and you know the best part ? I can do nothing but just sit and watch where my life is taking me ! I've never been so helpless in my entire life. Where I can't get to have my own decisions !

Although I've told him to reject me, but I don't want to get married this soon. I'm just 28 soon to be 29 this year and he is 5 years elder to me. How will it possibly work !? Okay, even if we won't take the 'age factor' into consideration, but how can I marry him despite knowing he still loves his late wife.

Thinking of Aarush, I've noticed a few things about him. When I saw him in my living room with his family, he looked good ? I mean decent. Yes, decent. It would be the appropriate word to describe him.

Adding to my list, he's respectful too. When we spoke in the bedroom, he always addressed me as Ms. Yuvaani. To which I was impressed and had an idea of how he must be treating others . He has quite a manly demeanor. He didn't seem to be interested in this marriage either, which implies he's loyal to his wife.

He is a good father as far as I saw him with kids in my living room. His nephew and his own kids want to be around him. And my parents also told me a few things about him, emphasizing on the fact he's a good person and a single dad.

I felt as if my parents are already convinced and they have no issue with him being a single father. I fear that they may say yes to the marriage.

Soon, lunch time approached and I was arranging plates on the table. My parents came and we began our meal. "Vaani, what do you think about Aarush ?" My first bite struck in the midway when I heard Papa asking me.

"He's a gentleman" I replied and had that bite which got stuck mid way, to avoid this conversation.

"You know what your father is asking, reply it accordingly." Mumma stated in an end-of-discussion tone.

"He's a single dad, Papa. How can I marry him ?" I nervously replied. Him being a single father doesn't seem to be an issue for me. I just don't want to marry him as we both refuse to do so. And most importantly, he's still in love with his ex-wife.

"So what's the problem in that ? Many single parents remarry" Papa asked in his it's obvious tone.

"Papa, kaafi kuch sacrifice aur adjust karna padega mujhe. Unke do bacche hai, aur wo bhi kaafi chhote hai. Aur sabse badi baat, wo aaj bhi apni wife se utna hi pyaar karte hai jitna wo pehle karte the. Unki aankhon mein dikhta hai. Mai unse shadi karke unhe move on karne ke liye force nahi karna chahti. Let him be, he suffered a great loss, let him take his time to overcome."

[ Papa, I will have to sacrifice and adjust in many things. He has two kids, and they are too small. And more than that, he still loves his wife like she's still with him. His eyes speaks. By marring, I don't want to force him to move on. ]

"Vaani, nothing in life comes easy. We always have to struggle and sacrifice through things. And you're not looking at the brighter side. That is, the society will not force you to have kids then. He already kids. And about his wife, he have to move on, sooner or later. He can't be like this forever right ?" He replied with every practical answer he could ever get in his mind.

"But he can never love me." I stated the very fact why I was denying to marry him. I don't want a loveless marriage. I want my husband to love me. Be with me. Care for me. Spend time with me. If we have this marriage, none of these things are coming my way.

"Love ? Love isn't essential to get married Vaani. A relationship is never solely dependent on love. There are other major factors than love, needed to have a successful relationship. Trust, loyalty, understanding, and respect above all. That's it." He replied.

I kept mum. Finished my lunch and moved to my room and locked the door. He is hell bent on marrying me in a loveless marriage !

Silent tears rolled down cheeks as I can picturise what my father is going to do. Don't I deserve Love ? I've always saved myself for marriage, expecting that my husband could love me unconditionally one day. I always want to solely be his, the very reason I have zero past relationships.

How would you feel if someone is crashing your dreams intentionally. And that someone is my father here.

I have to sacrifice that love which I've been always yearned for. Since years. Being in an orthodox family, 'Love Marriage' seemed to be a taboo for them ! And when I entered my high school phase they clearly mentioned ki ye love shav ke chakkar mein padna nahi.

[ Don't fall for anyone. And by love shav they meant feelings of love. ]

Void. Pain. That's all how I can feel right now. My dreams clearly don't exist by now. Grief. Regret. Regret as in, why haven't I secretly dated a person before ? At least I could have experienced what love felt like.

I have no urge to talk to my parents now. They won't understand. I tried, but failed miserably. I didn't even had dinner. I simply ignored them. It was past eleven, all lights are off by now.

I want water. So, I went towards kitchen. But stopped in mid tracks as I heard some faint chatters from my parents' room. I went near their door and stood there to listen. The atmosphere was lightly tensed indicating a serious conversation.

"But, how will she manage ?" It was Mumma's voice.

"She have to. She's twenty-nine this year. We have already waited so long. She kept rejecting men. When she'll turn thirty next year, do you think anyone will be up ? To marry her ? It's society Komal, they have norms"

"But you too know, kids aren't easy to handle. Even one, Let alone two ! You knew everything still you said Yes for the marriage ?"

"She will handle. She have to. They are a reputed family, we can't say No to them. Tumhe pata hai na, acche rishte umar ke sath chale jaate hai. Ab accha rishta aaya hai toh hume jaane nahi dena chahiye. And Aarush seems respectful. Wo kabhi Vaani ko kisi cheez ki kami nahi hone dega."

[ You know, With growing age good alliances are left behind. Now we've found a good man so we shouldn't let him go. He won't let Vaani miss anything. ]

"But-"

Papa's death stare was enough to shut her up. Their room's light turned off too. I went to bring my bottle and returned to my room.

So, I'll be enrolling myself in a loveless marriage. Congratulations to me. I couldn't control and sobbed hard. My parents' already said Yes to his family. What else can I expect now ? Thinking of worst things my way, I cried myself to sleep.

Few hours later, my sleep was disturbed by alarm and I got up. I glanced at the clock which read Six am. I went to the bathroom to brush, but waited a while as I saw my reflection. Eyes were little red due to less sleep or maybe due to cries. And my face was pale.

Sighing I continued my chores and got ready for the office. And went to breakfast table and saw my parents there. Papa, as usual, reading newspaper and mumma making breakfast and tea. I simply went to the table and took my tiffin.

I was about to leave and I heard my mother saying "Sit for breakfast, now." in not-so-cheerful tone.

"I'll have to go early today, I'm leaving."

"Have your breakfast Vaani" Papa said in no-further-arguments tone. He's always like this ! Dominating.

I sat on the chair defeated. And began applying fruit jam on bread.

"Umm, We said Yes for your marriage." There he goes. Dropping another reality check. I didn't say anything, because there is no use on arguing with him. I just hope that Aarush denies this, and everything falls back in it's place.

I stuffed a bread in my mouth and bid them bye. The office hours passed sooner than expected. Is it because I don't want to go home ? I patiently waited at the bus stop but there isn't any. Few minutes later my colleague Krishav insisted me to drop me off.

I opened the doorknob of my house and got in. My mother was sitting on sofa working on some green leafy vegies.

"Who was he ?"

"Who ?"

"The one you came with !" Okay so I know where this is going.

"Colleague ! Please mumma don't start again !" Being annoyed I went straight to my room.

Just like yesterday, I skipped today's dinner. I don't want to face my parents and get stuck in those marriage things ! I waited for the lights to be off so that I could secretly eat something from the kitchen ! I made a clear way to the kitchen, and suddenly the lights got on !

I turned and saw my mother. I sighed in relief. If Papa were there so, he would've been lecturing me by now. Ki time pe khana khana chahiye, ye kya natak laga rakha hai tumne etc etc.

[Have your dinner in time, what is all this etc etc]

"You sit, I'll heat up the food" Mumma said.

I sat on the chair and she came quick with food. I was eating as fast as I could. I was too hungry to eat properly. Soon, I finished and kept the plate in the sink and washed my hands. In the mean time mumma was sitting next to me patiently.

"I want to talk to you" she declared. I nodded and paved my way to my room. Once we sat on the bed, she took the hair oil and made me sit on the floor and began oiling my hair.

"What you wanted to talk ?" I asked knowingly. I've guessed the topic. What couldn't it be ? Nowadays the trending topic at our place is Aarush and Marriage.

"Have you changed your mind ?" She asked

"About ?"

"Marriage and all.."

"No. I don't want to marry" I stated it as matter of fact.

"Aarush had called today" she informed.

"Why ?"

"He wanted to talk to you"

Well, this was something new. He called ? To talk to me ? Wasn't he the least interested one in this ?

"So what you said ?"

"I gave him your number and asked his number in return. I've messaged you the same." I nodded. She was done oiling and was just massaging my skull now.

"Can I ask you something ?" This time I initiated.

"Sure" she said.

"Do you think I'll be happy in all this ? A forced marriage ?"

"I tried to convince your father. But you know how he is. Adamant. But his perspective too, isn't wrong. Girls shouldn't be late in the marriage thing. But I trust your dad, you too know he does best for us. He himself too rejected seven suitors for you, before you even denied. Otherwise, he would've told you to marry one of them na, if he had to marry you anyway ? So don't think that way" she tried making me understand.

"Maybe he had seen something in Aarush, that's why he isn't denying. Or else he would've denied Nairs before you do. Today's generation kids just want to be their way. They forget that their parents want the best for them"

Okay, so unwillingly I agree here. Papa denied all seven of them before me. But he kept it a secret but Mumma told me later on.

"Think on it. Your Papa wants best for you" she smiled and left my room.

I can't understand what actually is Papa's side ! Sometimes he just declares his decision, against my wish. And sometimes he's just so caring that he looks after many things even before I do.

Ending up by brain battles, I switched off the lights. Oh shit, I forgot to put alarm ! I abruptly on my phone and saw a message from unknown number

+91 ....

Hey, it's me Aarush.
Can we talk ?

Then I read the time when he had sent the message. 9:24 pm. I must be working on my laptop by that time while skipping my dinner. It's too late to reply him ! I'll reply him tomorrow morning, I made a mental note. Turned on the alarm and slept wondering what he wants to talk to me ?